Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
just pretend nothing happened
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*