Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
good work, everybody
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
This guy gets it.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The cake is mightier than the sword.
This came to me in a dream.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”