A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
i want to work in this restaurant
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.