When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder