Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
You Might Also Like
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
This is hilarious….
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”