Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
dictator is short for richard potato
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.