They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.