Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
wish me luck lads
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
#Caturday
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer