My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!