my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Thinking about Jeff
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*offers Batman cough drops*
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.