You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
🤣🤣🤣
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok