The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”