Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex