Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When news reporters do sports stories
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”