you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Life is a suicide mission.
How animals would run if they were human