If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
channeling her this year
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”