Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you love someone, let them sleep.