DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
thanks auntie mary
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.