[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
i love meeting boys on tinder
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me