girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
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how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.