Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
happy mother’s day❤️
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]