Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.