Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.