Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?