My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
is nasa ok
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.