Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
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Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Finally!
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.