Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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I falcon love using swear birds
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.