all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.