Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.