The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”