I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,