We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it