i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?