“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I finally found a reason to live again.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.