[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.