If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.