It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
back to work
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.