When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
This will teach them to underestimate me
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My boss called in sick of me
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks