eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.