I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”