Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
then why did i get this email
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Cats (2019)
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.