okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: