This fish is cracking me up
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peak technology
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Match dot com, but for socks.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
me before I type out affect or effect
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*