These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me, in DM rooms…
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.