Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.