*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
☺️
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
pep talk
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”