Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day