Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
You Might Also Like
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180