Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
You Might Also Like
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*