I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Found my door mat
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day